+ Personal best, again. +
TEN ounces. At work. That is a record. It's actually a hair shy of 10 ounces, more like a robust 9.5. But still! That's what I needed to end my week on. A nice, positive note. And it's almost all I need for her for Monday, which means I can spend tonight and this weekend pumping up a frozen stockpile again. If I do that, I will relieve even more of my stress.

I have two very important pieces of advice for anyone who reads this, looking for any advice from my experience so far... 1. Don't take Sudafed, or Robitussin, under any circumstances, period. It might be safe (they say) for your baby from your breastmilk, but they neglect to mention that it dries you right up. 2. All the books say to pump a stockpile a few weeks before you return to work and I figured I had a couple of bags with a couple of oz. each, so I was fine... Wrong! Pump and pump and pump and store it. You will use some to get your baby used to the bottle, so you need to pump plenty. The adjustment back to work will be tough enough - you need a stockpile. I thought I didn't, and what wouldn't I have paid earlier this week to have that stockpile there? Trust me on this.

Okay, that's all for now. Feeling rejuvenated as I head into the weekend. Your grandma is picking you up in a few minutes. Have fun with her! I'll see you soon. *smooch*

+ Busy busy busy +
I'm waaay too busy today for a long post, but just an update... Talked to Vicki at daycare, and we had a fabulous meeting of the minds. She completely understood everything, and even brought up things I was going to bring up first. You're getting 6 2-ish ounce bottles every 2 hours (or more if needed) instead of 4 4 oz. bottles. This is what I'd wanted in the beginning. Plus, if you're sucking on things, it is not always a hunger cue, little girl. I've learned that. You just like to suck. I call you my "crazy sucker." You will suck on anything, period. In fact, you get so carried away sucking, you spit your pacifier out accidentally all the time. It's not that you don't want it, you just get carried away. So we bought a couple of different kinds of paci's to experiment with at daycare. But we'll see how this goes. I finally got the message across to Maria this morning that the formula is for "emergencies" only, and they are to call me first. This was Vicki's insistance. And to make it formal, I wrote up full instructions for Vicki this morning on how I want her feedings handled and why.

I feel sooooooo much better now. And of course, I'm pumping more. Not tons, but yesterday was my best day ever, and I'm one oz. away from that today (and I still have my afternoon session, so I should surpass that). Woo-hoo! I'm still not pumping enough during work alone for daycare, but I'm getting closer. *fingers crossed*

+ Empowerment +
It's a good thing. My morning pumping session was my best yet (besides lunchtime). I got 3 oz. in less than 10 minutes. And on my way out, I passed a visitor in the lobby... Breastfeeding her baby. It's a sign that we're okay. I know it is. That, or I'm losing my mind. Equally possible.

+ Crying over spilled milk +
Yes, that's what I did this morning; I cried over spilled milk. Why? Well, now, that's a long story. It starts with Tuesday, so let's go back there...

Tuesday was a rough day. I was sick; this cold had gone into my chest and I felt like crud. You appeared to be getting sick too. I was just waiting for the call from daycare to come get you, but it never came. And it was my worst day pumping. Monday had been a short day, so I was cutting it close on the milk Tuesday. It left me uneasy and stressed, and I got very little pumped. Tuesday night, feeling horrible, I panicked and realized there was no way I had enough for you. Furthermore, you were really crying a lot, and it made me even more stressed. I went to bed, setting the alarm for 1:30 a.m. so I could try to pump during the night. Baaaad idea. I woke up at 1:30, and stumbled in to try to pump. I got virtually nothing. Frustrated and too tired to keep trying, I went back to bed, only to wake up at 3:15 to you crying for food. This was a fussy one. You ate, but you weren't happy. We wouldn't ever really get back to sleep. At about 5:15, daddy woke up and came into your room, where I was holding you after eating again. I explained to him that I'd decided to call in sick. I was, in fact, sick, and I wasn't sure if you were too. Combined with the lack of milk (I had 3 not-quite-full bottles instead of 4 full ones), it all seemed hopeless. After crying for ages and half-arguing about breastfeeding, formula, my own insecurities as a mother and more, we decided that I would go to work, you would go to school, and daddy would pick you up around 2:00 when he was done with his work. We figured he would listen to you cry, and could deal with it because he knew why you were crying and knew when I would be home. You actually did quite well, really only crying for about 1/2 hour before I got there.

I did a lot of research yesterday, but still wasn't okay with the idea that I might end up having to supplement if I continued to have this problem. Finally, I talked to my mom (your grandma) about it, and she said all the right things. I cried a little, but generally felt at peace with the idea that I have to do what's right for you. I'm going to fight to breastfeed you 100%, but if I can't, I can't have you starve, either. So, based on my research earlier in the day, I enlisted daddy to join us as we ventured to Wal-Mart for some hypoallergenic formula and some other unrelated supplies. We bought it, you were perfectly behaved the whole trip, and I was at peace with the world. We went home and you nursed all evening, going to bed sleepy and happy. I hopped in the shower, pumped some more and went to bed sleepy and peaceful myself.

You see, I was able to pump enough yesterday after all. After your 3:30 a.m. feeding this morning, I went in and pumped the other side... and got 3 oz. more! That was the last bit I needed. So you wouldn't need formula today after all. This new pumping schedule (added one at work, plus the early morning one) would work, and the formula would remain an unused backup.

This morning, we woke up at 6:00 a.m. I was rested and content. I fed you again, and you sat in your swing while I finished getting ready. I prepared your bottles and diaper bag. I got the pump ready to go. I dressed and primped. Finally, we sat down for the final feeding at 6:55. You were happy, I was happy, we were all set. When you finished, I got you in your carseat and went to grab my lunch. As I passed your diaper bag and bottle bag, I noticed they had fallen over. No problem, I'll just pick them up. Why is this bottle bag wet? Why is it white liquid? Oh... No... I opened it up, and only the bottle with the nipple was still full (I bought more nipples last night but hadn't sterilized them yet, so Maria would just have to use the one for all bottles, like we've been doing for a week). The other three were at least 1/2 empty or more.

Somehow, I managed not to get hysterical immediately. It built over a few minutes. I poured what I could back in the bottles, cleaned up the mess and found myself with one full bottle, one mostly full bottle and one not-even-half-full bottle. It's amazing how a nice, contented, happy night and morning can be ruined in an instant. I gathered everything together, put it and you in the car and rushed off (late, now) to daycare.

When I arrived, I had stopped crying. But it wouldn't last. I brought you in to Maria, and started to explain what had happened. She asked me why I hadn't prepared the formula and instead only brought the powder container. Because you weren't supposed to get any! It was supposed to be a last-ditch emergency backup! Not now, though. Now I knew and had to accept that your "virgin gut" would no longer be so. Today is the day you will get your first bottle of formula. You are 10 weeks and 1 day old. Maria tried to soothe me (crying again by now) by showing me all the formula-fed babies in there. Yeah, that did NOT help. My baby is NOT going to be "a formula-fed baby." Period, end of discussion. Today was an accident. God willing, I will find a way to see that that container of formula never, NEVER gets used up.

After leaving, I was still hysterical. I called daddy to cry to him. He assured me it would be okay, but didn't know the right things to say. I called my mom (grandma) again, and once more, she did. She reminded me that the important thing is the one I have to remember: I DID manage to pump enough. I did it. I can continue to do it. It's okay to keep trying as hard as I'm trying right now. You really be okay. I have to believe and trust in that.

So, this afternoon I'm calling the manager at daycare, Vicki, to talk to her about my guidelines for the formula usage. Foremost in my mind? I want you hungry when I get there, not full on formula. They are not to give it to you unless they have to. I might even make them call me for permission first. I'll ponder that.

+ Celiac Disease +
This and this and this are why I'm so adamant about breastfeeding. I have Celiac Disease, and I'll be damned if I don't do everything I can to prevent you from having it. I have to remember this and stand firm against naysayers. Yes, it's hard. Yes, I'm having issues pumping enough milk. But I have to do it.

+ New baby +
Congrats to Meryl and family! Can't wait to see little Zachary.

+ Alive and Kicking! +
Yes, you are. Kicking is a fun new activity for you. Well, you used to be able to kick, only out to the sides, not straight down or out. But now, at least during the day, you can kick wherever you want! I think you enjoyed kicking the stuff next to your changing table last night. I didn't enjoy that so much, but what can you expect?

The Dr. (who I look forward to never seeing again, after your 6 week appointment) said you're to wear the harness "at nighttime and naptime; more is better than less. See you in six weeks." That's it. Those were my instructions. Whatever. I don't care. I washed that horrible, grody harness... And then I washed YOU! You got a much-needed bath and you smell so pretty now. I'm amazed how different you feel. Daddy and I both decided the only word for it is "floppy." In the harness, you were basically held somewhat sturdy. Nursing you is totally different. I had been looking forward to being able to have a variety of nursing options, as opposed to the singular, propped-up method necessary when you're in the harness. But it's actually kind of hard to adjust to your new flexibility. I'll have to work on that.

What's most amazing is how LONG you are. You had measured in the 75th percentile, and now when I look at you, I see why. You're a long, lanky baby. Very cute. You're kind of confused when you kick your legs out now. It's funny to watch your expressions change as you figure out you can move. Your nose is all stuffy though, and that cold is just starting to hit you, so that combines for some weird sensory experiences for you today.

On an interesting, possibly related note, you slept very strangely last night. After a brief wake-up at about 9:15 thanks to the doggie, you went back to sleep and SLEPT. I woke up at 3:45 to check on you (worried about your breathing with the cold), and you fussed a little, but remained asleep. I decided to rest until you really woke me up. At 5:10, you started fussing again, so I woke you up to feed you. EIGHT hours?! Geez, I hope that's okay. I feel like we're breaking some unwritten law by letting you sleep that long. You ate from both sides after that, and another one side an hour later, so I assume you're adequately fed. But, wow, that was a long time.

I thought I would put you in a cute outfit for daycare today since you're finally able to wear something other than a onesie without that brace on... Yeah, no. You're still too small for lots of them. Wow. I'll have to experiment tonight and see what fits you. I know some of them will, but others are still just too big. Weird.

+ Randomness +
On Saturday, Grandma Laurie brought over the baptism dress you'll be wearing on Mother's Day. It's the dress she and I both wore for our baptisms. When I took it out of the closet, I thought it was faded, but special and would do fine. Well, Grandma Laurie tried bleaching it... And it's simply beautiful! So white and crisp, with tiny blue and pink stitching on the bodice. It'll still probably be a little too big for you, but it looks lovely and I can't wait to see you in it!

+ Week Two +
Soooo, I think I'm sharing my cold with you. I'm so sorry, little one. I've been icky-sick for a couple of days now, and I figured it was simply a matter of time until you got it too. This morning you sounded really congested and you didn't like it one bit when I attacked your nose with the snot-sucker. You went to daycare anyway since I'm not sure you're actually sick yet or not, but we'll have to wait to see if the boob juice limits your impact from it. I sure hope so. It's pretty darned unpleasant.

I wasn't able to pump all that much this weekend, mostly because it's hard to pump much when you're eating it all. Know what I mean? Friday night I experienced the "joy" of painful engorgement again. I haven't felt like that since the first time you slept 6+ hours. But the Fenugreek appears to have brought that reality back to me. Saturday night wasn't as bad, but last night was pretty full again. I'm thinking the decrease Saturday and some yesterday was from the Sudafed I was taking for my cold, which I've heard decreases milk supply. So... I stopped taking it. Of course, this was aided by running out of it anyway. I figure it wasn't actually helping much at all, so why have the important side effect of milk reduction? Heck, no! Hopefully I can get enough today since I'll only be pumping once (read below), and I have very little backup supply. I'm still figuring my milk supply trump card is setting the alarm for midnight and pumping then. We'll see. I need my sleep, too, especially with this wicked cold.

Today is the day I've been waiting for. You don't have any idea what's so special about today, but you are going to the pediatric orthopedic surgeon to have your harness taken off! I am beside myself with excitement. It feels like Christmas to me. Since your frame of reference is so minimal, you probably don't even realize that you're not supposed to be in that harness. You're supposed to be able to kick your legs and wiggle your toes. Oh, you will soon enough! Your appointment is at 2:15, so I'll be leaving here to come get you at 1:30. Your grandma wants us to call right after the appt. so she'll probably be stopping by to visit you tonight too. In fact, she might be picking you up after work tomorrow. You might get to play with Grandma for an hour or so. I think you'll enjoy that.

Anyway, back to work. Must go drink more water too. I'm convinced that no matter what I eat or drink, or how much Fenugreek I take, water has the strongest influence on how much milk I can make.