+ Celiac Disease +
This and this and this are why I'm so adamant about breastfeeding. I have Celiac Disease, and I'll be damned if I don't do everything I can to prevent you from having it. I have to remember this and stand firm against naysayers. Yes, it's hard. Yes, I'm having issues pumping enough milk. But I have to do it.

+ New baby +
Congrats to Meryl and family! Can't wait to see little Zachary.

+ Alive and Kicking! +
Yes, you are. Kicking is a fun new activity for you. Well, you used to be able to kick, only out to the sides, not straight down or out. But now, at least during the day, you can kick wherever you want! I think you enjoyed kicking the stuff next to your changing table last night. I didn't enjoy that so much, but what can you expect?

The Dr. (who I look forward to never seeing again, after your 6 week appointment) said you're to wear the harness "at nighttime and naptime; more is better than less. See you in six weeks." That's it. Those were my instructions. Whatever. I don't care. I washed that horrible, grody harness... And then I washed YOU! You got a much-needed bath and you smell so pretty now. I'm amazed how different you feel. Daddy and I both decided the only word for it is "floppy." In the harness, you were basically held somewhat sturdy. Nursing you is totally different. I had been looking forward to being able to have a variety of nursing options, as opposed to the singular, propped-up method necessary when you're in the harness. But it's actually kind of hard to adjust to your new flexibility. I'll have to work on that.

What's most amazing is how LONG you are. You had measured in the 75th percentile, and now when I look at you, I see why. You're a long, lanky baby. Very cute. You're kind of confused when you kick your legs out now. It's funny to watch your expressions change as you figure out you can move. Your nose is all stuffy though, and that cold is just starting to hit you, so that combines for some weird sensory experiences for you today.

On an interesting, possibly related note, you slept very strangely last night. After a brief wake-up at about 9:15 thanks to the doggie, you went back to sleep and SLEPT. I woke up at 3:45 to check on you (worried about your breathing with the cold), and you fussed a little, but remained asleep. I decided to rest until you really woke me up. At 5:10, you started fussing again, so I woke you up to feed you. EIGHT hours?! Geez, I hope that's okay. I feel like we're breaking some unwritten law by letting you sleep that long. You ate from both sides after that, and another one side an hour later, so I assume you're adequately fed. But, wow, that was a long time.

I thought I would put you in a cute outfit for daycare today since you're finally able to wear something other than a onesie without that brace on... Yeah, no. You're still too small for lots of them. Wow. I'll have to experiment tonight and see what fits you. I know some of them will, but others are still just too big. Weird.

+ Randomness +
On Saturday, Grandma Laurie brought over the baptism dress you'll be wearing on Mother's Day. It's the dress she and I both wore for our baptisms. When I took it out of the closet, I thought it was faded, but special and would do fine. Well, Grandma Laurie tried bleaching it... And it's simply beautiful! So white and crisp, with tiny blue and pink stitching on the bodice. It'll still probably be a little too big for you, but it looks lovely and I can't wait to see you in it!

+ Week Two +
Soooo, I think I'm sharing my cold with you. I'm so sorry, little one. I've been icky-sick for a couple of days now, and I figured it was simply a matter of time until you got it too. This morning you sounded really congested and you didn't like it one bit when I attacked your nose with the snot-sucker. You went to daycare anyway since I'm not sure you're actually sick yet or not, but we'll have to wait to see if the boob juice limits your impact from it. I sure hope so. It's pretty darned unpleasant.

I wasn't able to pump all that much this weekend, mostly because it's hard to pump much when you're eating it all. Know what I mean? Friday night I experienced the "joy" of painful engorgement again. I haven't felt like that since the first time you slept 6+ hours. But the Fenugreek appears to have brought that reality back to me. Saturday night wasn't as bad, but last night was pretty full again. I'm thinking the decrease Saturday and some yesterday was from the Sudafed I was taking for my cold, which I've heard decreases milk supply. So... I stopped taking it. Of course, this was aided by running out of it anyway. I figure it wasn't actually helping much at all, so why have the important side effect of milk reduction? Heck, no! Hopefully I can get enough today since I'll only be pumping once (read below), and I have very little backup supply. I'm still figuring my milk supply trump card is setting the alarm for midnight and pumping then. We'll see. I need my sleep, too, especially with this wicked cold.

Today is the day I've been waiting for. You don't have any idea what's so special about today, but you are going to the pediatric orthopedic surgeon to have your harness taken off! I am beside myself with excitement. It feels like Christmas to me. Since your frame of reference is so minimal, you probably don't even realize that you're not supposed to be in that harness. You're supposed to be able to kick your legs and wiggle your toes. Oh, you will soon enough! Your appointment is at 2:15, so I'll be leaving here to come get you at 1:30. Your grandma wants us to call right after the appt. so she'll probably be stopping by to visit you tonight too. In fact, she might be picking you up after work tomorrow. You might get to play with Grandma for an hour or so. I think you'll enjoy that.

Anyway, back to work. Must go drink more water too. I'm convinced that no matter what I eat or drink, or how much Fenugreek I take, water has the strongest influence on how much milk I can make.

+ Fenugreek +
Okay, I was hopeful, and can I say I'm glad I was? Now, you should know I'm normally not an "herbal" kind of person. I think some of it is bunk, and other things actually harmful. But this Fenugreek stuff? Only one real day in, and this stuff works! I sure hope it keeps working. No miracles, mind you, but I had a good, comfortable 7 oz. at lunch, in about 5 minutes less than I pumped yesterday (and got less than 5 oz.). I feel different too. Can't explain it. I feel like things are working in there like they did last week. This whole week, I haven't... felt like a breastfeeding mother. I can't explain it. There's just a physiological difference. I feel much better. And relieved!

+ Friday +
Well, you're at daycare for the fifth day. You don't seem to be too upset about it. You gave me smiles this morning, so you seemed to be in a cheerful mood, fortunately. Yesterday, you went through one change of clothes and a couple of bibs, so you obviously spit up a few more times. But hopefully those new bottles are still doing the trick. I'm hoping the Fenugreek is doing its trick, too. I feel like something's happening in there. I just fed you about an hour and a half ago and I'm feeling kinda more full than usual. I might just go down and try to pump this morning instead of waiting for lunch if this keeps up. Maybe not. We'll see. I was pretty full last night too, and I'd been noticing the last few nights that I haven't been as full when it comes time to feed you. I think it might be helping! Fortunately, I had just exactly enough milk (maybe a couple of ounces shy) for today, and now I have 3 days to pump and store for a backup supply for next week. If the Fenugreek works, I won't need my backup supply. That would be nice.

Last night was crazy. You took about an hour nap (and still slept 6 hours, thank God!), and I got all of your bottles washed, all of the dishes washed and kitchen cleaned, among other things. I ran around like a banshee and missed most of Survivor, but at least I was productive. Your daddy was preoccupied with some other stuff last night and wasn't so helpful. I wish he didn't get so worried about things sometimes, though I love his drive to do his best at his work. Anyway, tonight your honorary Aunt Talmar and Uncle Tom are coming over with Talmar's parents and Dave and Michelle to play board games. I'm sure I'll be exhausted, but it's still better than living in a cocoon. (This entry took forever to write......)

+ Pumping, again +
I know, my entries are so exciting. Baby bodily functions and pumping issues. Ah, well. There are some things I really do want to remember for the next baby.

This afternoon, I pumped in the bathroom downstairs. It wasn't glamorous, it probably wasn't perfectly sanitary, and I missed having a chair. But it worked. I didn't get a lot, but I got about 3 oz. I wouldn't otherwise have gotten. So, that's the point, right? If I do this in the morning and afternoon, that's a possible extra 6 oz. That's a bottle and a half. Maybe I'll bring a small blanket or towel to sit on and just sit on the floor. That could work. Meanwhile, I'll take dose #2 of Fenugreek and keep praying. I have to trust my body to pull this off, or drown in my own self-doubt. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

+ Photos +
The photos we have so far are up. None from the last couple of weeks, but I'll work on that. If you want to see the photos, just drop me an email. I'd rather not post the link here. They're really not all that exciting yet, but I'll work on that too. Thanks!

+ Dr. Update and more +
Well, I'm not quite as anxiety-ridden as I was this time yesterday. Thank God for that. As for the Dr's appointment, I guess we're doing just fine! You may still be a little baby, but you're growing like you're supposed to. You were 9 lbs., 12 3/4 oz. (including your harness, which is a few ounces I'm sure). That is the 30th percentile, which sounds low - but you were 10th percentile when you were born! So, the boob juice is working. I'm so relieved. The doctor was very pleased. We asked about your very irregular bowel movements (sorry readers for the TMI), and she said some breastfed babies really do only have bm's once in several days. As long as they're wet (which they are) and not solid (they're definitely not), then it's perfectly fine. You're long and skinny, measuring in at around 24 inches, or the 75th percentile. We got to ask a lot of questions, and we were so happy that a lot of the things we've been doing are in fact the right things to be doing. The only thing she didn't like is you sleeping on your tummy, which I don't like either. But with your harness, it's the only way you'll sleep. I'm hoping to remedy that when we get the stupid harness off.

You also got your first batch of shots yesterday. Oh my gosh, you didn't like that at all. I knew what was coming, so I managed to hold back my tears, but only barely. Your daddy almost cried too. We were both so teary-eyed, and just wanted to cuddle and love you. Poor baby, you had no idea what was coming and you screamed so loud. :-( As soon as I picked you up, though, you stopped and just clinged to me for dear life. You slept like a rock last night too. I woke you up to feed you at 3:45, and again at 6:30. You just wanted to sleep. I don't blame you. Those were icky shots.

I've started taking Fenugreek, hoping to boost my milk supply. It was off again today. I've gotten about an ounce less at each lunch session this week. Not good. Especially when daycare wants me to bring in 4 4oz. bottles every day. YIKES! I just called there, though, and she said you like the new bottles we got. Figures. I have a lifetime supply of the Medela and Avent bottles. Grrr. Now you're probably going to just use the Playtex nurser bottles. I suppose it's not the end of the world. The Medela ones I'm fine with because I can still pump and store right in them, then pour in the Playtex bottles. The Avent ones? Well, I guess I'll hang on to them until I find someone who needs 4 oz. Avent bottles. Unless she someday decides they're okay to drink out of. But when I called, she said you only spat up once today. That's a tremendous improvement.

Incidentally, I like your teacher, but it's really kind of hard to talk to her. She's Mexican and very nice, but her English is horrible. She seems to understand okay, but can't speak back very well, and it's kind of unsettling sometimes.

Anyway, pumping is still an issue, but I talked to my boss today and she's being so wonderful. I am going to have to pump more often, but that's what breaks are for. I just want to make double-sure I don't inconvenience anyone.

+ Trial and Error +
No, yesterday wasn't our greatest day. Your daycare called me and asked for someone to come help you because you were hungry. I got there as fast as I could, and you were in your crib in your usual angry pose: Face turned toward one hand, trying to suck it while grasping the hair on the back of your head in a white-knuckled fist. Poor baby. Vicki picked you up and held you and chatted for a while (some emergency!) and you were restless but not crying. We went home and you nursed somewhat fitfully on and off all evening. She said you had spit up a LOT yesterday. This morning, I could still smell the sour milk on your harness. When I was home with you, I managed to do a really good job I guess of keeping you upright after you ate, and of keeping your harness clean. We never had massive spit-up issues, and your harness never smelled like that. Once again, I'm SO glad we're getting that thing off you full-time on Monday. Each day closer seems farther away. Grumble grumble.

Anyway, you were happy enough I suppose last night. Not as smiley as the night before, but not as cranky as I thought you would be. You went to bed at 8:45 and slept until 4:00 a.m., so that's something to be very grateful for!

Frankly, I'm unbelievably anxiety-ridden today. You have your doctor's appointment this afternoon, and daddy's going with me. I almost wish he weren't, because I have a feeling I'm going to have a meltdown. I'm just so afraid we're doing a truly horrible job. I'm afraid she'll tell me you're not eating enough and I just don't know how to give you any more! With my genetic health issues, I know you need breastmilk, and really, ONLY breastmilk for now. So that's a lot of pressure on me, and when I am afraid you're not getting enough...? Well, I'm a wreck. Maria at daycare told me I need to bring in 4 bottles with 4 oz. each in them. On top of that, in 3 days, I've pumped consecutively less each day. I can't get in as many pumping sessions as I'd like because I have to go next door to use the electric pump, and that takes too long; I can only feasibly do it at lunch. So I tried the manual pump yesterday and today in the bathroom, but that's not really very effective.

I don't know. It's an emotional couple of days. I told myself before I came back that the first week would be hard and not to be too hard on myself. Famous last words. More than anything, I just want you to be happy and healthy. And I just don't know if I'm doing that.

+ Day Two +
Well, I guess daycare went pretty well after all. You drank nearly everything I brought for you, though you probably didn't completely need the last one since the real thing was on its way! When I showed up, you were happily swinging away in the baby swing. The teacher went to get you out for me, and you flashed her a winning smile, so I guess you were happy in there. When she handed you to me, you smiled over and over again. Man, I love that smile. You even smiled at daddy from your carseat when we got home. Your outfit was changed, but the morning/midday teacher was gone so I didn't get to ask her why. My guess is they didn't keep you up long enough and you spit up on your outfit. I think this is a safe guess, because when I picked you up, your new outfit was already a little wet too. You don't seem bothered by it, but I'm giving them a couple of days to adjust to you too. If it continues, I'll talk to them about making sure you get held up more during/after feedings. Hopefully you'll outgrow this and it won't be an issue!

Today I sent you with a different type of bottles. Yesterday you got the Medela ones, which you seem quite fond of, and today you got the Avent ones. Hopefully you won't mind them. I've got lots of them! Yesterday, I did manage to pump enough milk. Can you believe it? I just hope my supply increases as your demand does. At lunch I got about 7 oz., and when I pumped at your first after-daycare feeding when we got home, I got another 3 oz! God willing, this will keep up. We'll see how well I do at lunch today.

What surprised me (but shouldn't have) is how much time all of this takes, especially in the evening. Between pumping again, washing all the bottles, washing the pump parts, washing my lunch containers, filling tomorrow's bottles... Well, it just adds up fast. Meanwhile, I'm trying to hunt down some dinner, spend time with you (nursing you pretty much hourly in the evening), and relax. We all went to bed at 8:30 last night. Actually, you fell asleep at 7:00 and I only let you sleep for a half-hour. Last time you did that you were up all night. So instead, I let you have a little nap, which I'm sure you really needed, and woke you up to hang out and eat again before bed.

Anyway, I think we'll be okay with this. It's still an adjustment, and I'm sure we'll have days where it's not so great. I think of you all day, and already count the hours until I get to go pick you up. But I really am happy to be working, doing something I like with people I like. It's a delicate balance, and one I hope we can bumble through.

+ Drawing to a close +
My first day back is nearly over. Pumping went far better than I expected, though the room isn't anything special. It's actually a conference room, with a big table and tons of chairs... and a lock on the door. It has a window, but where I sit you can't really see in. I found out that my supervisor really went to bat for me, researching and providing to H.R. the legal guidelines for nursing/pumping mothers. I'm so touched that she did this for me (and for all the other mothers out there). I managed to get about 6-7 ounces, I think, maybe more. It's hard to tell in the bags, as opposed to bottles. But I'm already full again, so I'll probably pump the other breast when I feed you this afternoon.

And I broke down and called your daycare. Vicki said you were being good. She said she got to hold you (Vicki's the manager, Maria's your caregiver/teacher) and feed you and show you off to the other teachers. I'm sure you loved that. I hope you smiled for them. You can be so charming when you smile. She said you've only used 3 bottles, and it was almost 4 when I called so I told her they didn't have to give you the last one unless you get really hungry. In just minutes, I'm leaving and on my way to get you. I simply cannot wait. Hugs and kisses galore will be yours in just a half-hour.

+ Daycare, Day One +
So, you're with Maria. And Vicki. And the other little babies at daycare. It's your first day, and it did break my heart a little to leave you there. I just hope you are okay. Not that I think you won't be, and I know I have to accept that this is the way it is, and be thankful to have the opportunity. But I still wish I could hold and cuddle you some. It's 10:45 right now, so you've been there for 3.5 hours now. My breasts are sore. Go figure. I will learn about the wonders of pumping at work today, shortly. I just pray this works out for both of us. I don't want to have to stop nursing you just because I have to work. I guess we'll see what happens.

Noteworthy developments: On Saturday, 4/12, you smiled at me for the first time. You were in your carseat in the car and I opened the door to take you out so we could go grocery shopping in Whole Foods. You spent that whole day with Grandma and Grandpa Devine while I was at National History Day. When I leaned in to get you, I made silly faces at you, and you smiled. Over and over and over. The first couple of days, we got only a few random smiles, but now we can usually get you to do it when you're quiet and even slightly awake. You have an unbelievably beautiful smile. It truly melts my heart, every time. I think we did actually get pictures of it yesterday, in your Easter dress too, so I'm looking forward to getting those pictures developed. (Readers: Pictures are forthcoming, I promise).

You have a Dr's appointment on Wednesday, your first since your 2-week appointment. And you have one with the orthopedic surgeon next Monday to have your harness off! YAY! The way I understand it, you'll still have to wear it sometimes, but not all the time. Thank God for that. I can't wait to see your little monkey toes again. :-)

More tomorrow. For now I must get ready for lunch and pumping session #1. Wish me luck.

+ April Fool's +
You pulled the greatest April Fool's trick ever last night... You slept for 6 1/2 hours. Amen! Of course, I thought my chest was going to explode (ewwww!), but it was sooo worth it. You're doing well, for the most part. We had your harness adjusted yesterday to allow for your growing body, and it gives you quite a bit more room. You have baby acne, which definitely seems to bother us much more than you. We also have planned for your baptism on Mother's Day, and we found the dress that both your grandma and I wore for our baptisms. What a wonderful Mother's Day that will be! I'm officially planning to go back to work on 4/21, less than 3 weeks from now! It's amazing how time flies; you'll be 6 weeks old tomorrow! Daddy and I had our first night out without you last Saturday. We joined Uncles Chris and Mason at Arriba for dinner while Grandma Laurie babysat. It was nice, and that margarita (my first in 10+ months) was wonderful! Those are the updates. You're stronger every day, and I'm holding my breath for that first smile... I think it's right around the corner!